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The phase that I find most interesting and might be the cause for cheaters to have such a hard time letting go of their “drug of choice” – the affair partner – is the destabilization phase.I have a feeling that most affairs are discovered during this phase which might contribute to the on-going thoughts, feelings and potential contacting of the affair partner.Whether their affair addiction is due to the other person, the feelings that they experienced, sex, love or whatever, they are having a rough time letting go.And until they can do so, recovering and healing from the affair hit a dead end.Recently, we’ve been mentoring and communicating with several betrayed spouses who are going through some difficult times to say the least.Two primary issues are common with almost every case.

It’s been my experience that without total separation, mutual love cannot be restored, resentment cannot be overcome and protection from the threat of another affair cannot be guaranteed.Even casual contact prevents completion of withdrawal from the addiction of an affair.Since an affair is usually an addiction, the only way to fully recover is to permanently separate the unfaithful spouse (the addict) from the lover (the source of the addiction).During the destabilization stage, the fear of being caught fuels the urgency to get out of the affair.Though on the outside the affair looks like it may fall apart, in reality it is being stabilized.So I did some Googling and found that there are 12-step programs for every addiction imaginable and they are all based around the 12-steps that were originally introduced in the book, You can find the original Alcoholics Anonymous 12-steps here.I personally like a more updated version that I found a little better, and you can download a PDF version to read or show to your spouse if you wish.In the book “Torn Asunder,” author Dave Carder provides us with the following four infidelity phases: For a detailed explanation of these phases click here.Linda wrote a post about these phases and how I acted. Click here for a post that talks about how to get them to end their affair.Either their spouses do not want to let go of their affair partners and are leaving to be with them to see if it was meant to be. …the cheater has stopped contact but is having a very difficult time letting go of their affair partners – not so much from the standpoint of continuing their affair – but more so from the standpoint that they cannot control or stop their thoughts and feelings towards their affair partners.The first phrase that comes to my mind when I hear these stories is “affair addiction.” Linda even said the same thing the other night while discussing a person’s situation.


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